The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease... (Voltaire)

Ode to the Colorectal Surgeon

We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks

Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession.
There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don't shake hands."

He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages

A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite! what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!

(please go to the next page and click on the link to watch the video)

When I was doing the rural health portion of my internship in South India, I worked in a very basic clinic with few facilities and meager supplies.
During a busy day seeing patients with a variety of problems, I was embarrassed to find that I had no medicine left for a patient with a bad cough.
My senior, a young doctor not much older than my 21 years was totally unfazed.
“No problem Marcus, give him a double dose of Castor Oil” I was told “He will soon be too afraid to cough.”

My brother Dr. Brian C. Aquino, the famous family physician in League City, TX, started his medical practice in Jasper County, East Texas. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'? Dr. Brian said, "No, its your ducks at the gate...every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"

My other brother, David, founding partner of a noted CPA firm in the UK tells me that when he has a professional problem, he just picks up a pencil, sharpens it  and works it out.
My patients with slow bowels are very relieved to hear that I take a different approach.
my poor mother!... go figure.

Q- How do you fit a politician into a shoe box?
A- Give him an enema!

Do eskimos get polaroids when they sit on the ice too long?

Doctors at a hospital in Houston, Texas have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. DeBakey Denton, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Jerry, who was somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Denton, Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Jerry was working on the car.
Jerry, in a loud voice that all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy-shmancy doctor, look at dis work. I too, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I'm finished, dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you and me are doing basically da same work?"
Dr. Denton, very embarrassed, shook his head and replied in a soft voice, "Try doing your work with the engine running, or maybe through the tail pipe?...but even so, managed care executives, not doctors make the big bucks in healthcare nowadays"

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Things You Don't Want to Hear During (your) Surgery
• Xena! Come back with that!! Bad Dog!!!
• There go the lights...again...
• What do you mean, "You want a divorce!?"
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Rats! Page 47 is missing! Anyone know where this part goes?

Comments from patients made during their proctoscopy:
1. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
2. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
3. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
4. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
5. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
6. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head isn't, in fact, up there?"

Voice mail from an irate spouse....  "oh yes, and your proctologist called.  He finally located your brains."

Two doctors opened an office in a small town. They put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Riser and Dr. Aquino, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried: "Catatonics and Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But this was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Mopes and Scopes"
"Analyst and Analist"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Riser and Dr Aquino, Odds and Ends."

Sign over another proctologist's office-- 
"We Stand Behind Our Work"
Sign over yet another proctologist's office- 
"To expedite your visit, please back in"
Sign over even yet another proctologist's office- 
"We will get to the bottom of your problem"